Friday, August 24, 2012

How to (Really) Choose a Race

I'm at it again, and this article really came about for two major reasons.  The first being that we are one day from launch, and I am still undecided on my race.  Seriously, ArenaNet....if you would just make the Kodan a playable race, we wouldn't have this problem.  The second being that I enjoyed the profession column so much that I had to do it again for each of the races.

1.  Ah, the asura.  Every game needs their naked mole rat race (and I do not mean the Dredge). Yes, it is possible to make your perfect-cute-adorable-little-asura.  Just know that while you are adorable, the rest of your race is not.  Your city and personal story will forever be marred by the ugliness of your entire kind.  After hours of testing, I believe ArenaNet was opposed to making a good looking asura NPC.  At least, though, you do get adorable animations.  (Your ears even move to your dance.)  Just know that when you get that epix-level 95 armor and legendary rainbow shortbow, no one will be able to see least without zooming 10,000%.  Your biggest dagger looks like the pocket knife of a warring five year old.  So before you get in an argument and start calling the nearest norn a bookah, know that their fist is the size of your entire head.  Furthermore, know that your head is the size of the rest of your body.  They have no qualms about punching what they believe to be a human baby.

2.  The humans.  You could choose a human, I mean, if you love role playing with the latest Ken and Barbie doll at home.  Seriously, take a look at them.  You simply can't make an ugly human.  Besides the fact that you are letting the world know that you were once a 5 year old girl, you may need to know that you make the most boring lifestyle choices.   Seriously, you are going into one of the greatest fantasy universes, and you are going to choose the normal, standard race that you are in everyday life. Oh, and we all truly know the reason that the once great human race has been declining over the last several centuries, and it might not have much to do with the other races as you might think.  No it's not the Queen's latest scandal with nude pictures in Vegas, nor the level 5 bandits outside of a city full of level eighty guards, or even Logan Thackery's always perfectly in-place hair. It's their simple response to the ever increasing threat to's their fiscal responsibility.  The Queen facing a dwindling budget and financial crisis decides to open a year long carnival in Divinity's Reach.  Cake truly does solve everything.

3.  The sylvari.  You have to like the smell of cabbage.  And not just fresh cabbage, I mean all 29 flavors.  I mean rotten cabbage, burned cabbage, freezer-burned cabbage, diseased cabbage, and yes, even mildew-infested cabbage.  Seriously, a race made out of your neighbor's shrubbery is going to have a tough time in a world filled to the brim with magic and undead things.  Now, you may be saying....I love cabbage. I'm a fricken Vegan....or some other nonsense like that.  Instead, let me convince you in another manner.  You will look like crap in 90% of the clothing in Guild Wars 2.  Have you seen what a plant looks like in human clothing?  Besides it looking simply silly, you will belong to the island of  misfit toys.  Do you really want to be friends with those freaks?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  And...if you can get past all of that.  Have you seen your dance animation?  You look like an Indian (and not the Native American kind) dancing at a country fair.  I mean, if your goal in life is to win a gold medal at your local pig wrestling fair, than by all means.

3.  The norn.  Besides being the size of the nearest moutain you will revitalize the world with the vague memories of the Neanderthals. Now I have nothing against Neanderthals, but I mean they went extinct for a damn good reason.  Have you seen their cave drawings?  Not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed.  Do you know who their biggest hero is?   The idiot that tried to fight Jormag and came away with a single tooth.  Your own Gods had to lead you away from Jormag so you wouldn't go extinct trying to fight with him there to win yourself glory at the next beer-chugging moot. The sylvari may be trying to win a medal at the local country fair, but you sir, belong there.  Drink your beer, raise your little rebel flag, and talk about your latest glory of fighting at the local bar.  Remember, YOLO.  It's only fun, until someone starts worshiping Jormag.

4.  The charr.  If you love coughing up fur-balls, defiling the nearest litter box, and killing humans, than they might be right for you.  But, if you don't like fighting, you can always join your local theater.  You are essentially a shoe-in to play in the latest showing of Lion King.  Though, Rafiki might be played by a Grawl, and Zazu by a Tengu, you will fit the perfect part for nearly half the characters.  You also really have to love the industrial wasteland sort of scenery.  Forget New Jersey, this must be your beautiful, new home. Nothing gets your blood running, like waking up to the latest militarized weapon test.


  1. Bwhahahah. Your gonna play a naked mole rat arent you?

    1. Sigh...I have no idea. I'm debating between Humans, Sylvari, and Asura, and this debate was the true inspiration for this article.

      Asura-I'm cute, but the race as a whole is incredibly ugly. This to me combined with the voice acting that I just don't like, (I know I'm very superficial) makes the personal story and city rather eh.... Their animations are absolutely fantastic, but then their diminuitive size annoys me. I like to show off my gear and weapons, and because both weps and armor is downsized, I am unable to do so.

      Sylvari-They are gorgeous, in certain circumstances. However, they just don't look right in normal clothes. As I'm leveling, I will often be stuck with gear that is not 'plant-ware', and thus I will look odd on my way to 80. I'm also concerned that there won't be as many good options as other races, because you can only look good in one style of clothes. I love their lore, their dance, and their general attitude towards the world. I just can't help feeling too 'planty', and I don't like being confined in armor. Especially considering in this game aesthetics are the only way to show off.

      Humans- They can wear nearly anything and look good. Check. They have good sizes of weapons. Check. I like their lore, voice actors, and city. Check. They are unique. No, hell no. In fact, they bore me too much.

      And that is why I am stuck.

  2. Lol. Well here is my opinion.

    Asura. They are perfect for you. Snarky rude and they leave everyone else to die. aka you. They are not ugly as a whole, some of them are, but you do not have to be. You are a bloody thief, the only weapon that you would have that is large is a long bow. Everything you equip would be small, no matter what race you are, unless you go norn. Then your dagger might be the size of an asura sword.

    Sylvari, yea I am making at least one. I think it really depends what you make your sylvari look like when in clothing. All the other races look weird in plant armor btw. But some of the plant armor looks really really good. Look at this sight, might give you some idea what to expect on armors.

    Humans, I am going for nostalgia gw1 reasons. Why would you care about the city, you are going to be running around to all of the. The only thing that gets locked to you is the personal instance.

  3. The shortbow that shoots rainbows? Pretty sure it's about the rainbows more so than the bow itself.

    Also, the queen isn't behind the carnival. Caudecus is - and I think he's funding it out of pocket. If you like their lore and their voices, and I'm assuming their stories, what's to be bored of?

    Sylvari do look weird in regular clothes, and I think a few races wear their armors well - never mind the fact that most of the best looking sylvari armors can not be cheaply or easily acquired, and even then you're SOL until at least level 40 I think for tier 1 cultural?

    1. I knew someone would say something, and it had to be you! xD

      Just kidding, yeah fine the rainbow part may be important. But I like to see my weapon, idk.

      As for the carnival, yes I know. I just wanted to blame the Queen, it seems like everyone in-game can get away with it, why can't I?

      I think I'm avoiding Sylvari for my main thief. I might revisit them for a Mesmer later on. However, that leaves the Asura and Humans. I just don't know....

    2. They both wear leather very well. A lot of players are gravitating toward asura for the smaller size. Personally I think size is overrated, in both WvW and PvP albeit for different reasons.

    3. Aly, my dear. Size ALWAYS matters. xD (I apologize, launch just has me way too excited.)

  4. This just came out.

    It is hilarious. What makes it even more hilarious is that it is all true.

    You entombed are my kormir.

    1. Kormir has always been my favorite God. (post-GW)

    2. Did you even watch it? IT iS ALL HER FAULT!! just as IT IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!! you are going to leave me and furrian to die in wvw. I can already see that coming true. And then you will brag about it calling us fail scrubs or something like that.

      For those who dont know us, it is cool. We are used to it. We are just going to troll him for it forever and ever.

    3. Yes, but I'm not adept on the lore parts of it. I read about it maybe a week ago, and I don't really understand some of it. But, that's in the past, and Kormir will be always my choice in the personal biography.

  5. Norn. You are a race of drunken heroic giants. When you were attacked by a creature so powerful that it rivaled the gods of the other races, your ancestors fought it one on one. And hurt it. And would have gone extinct fighting it if your own gods hadn't intervened and told you to run. After moving south, without any form of organized government, army or security force you defeated the most advanced, organized, deadly people on the planet simply by being badass.